You know when you go back and watch a children’s movie as an adult, and you suddenly understand the content you didn’t grasp as a child, and now you have a whole new perspective on the film? I recently encountered this phenomenon upon rewatching Disney’s Pinocchio. Pinocchio was never one of my favorites of their films. However, it is a favorite of my youngest brother and my own son. Thus, the past couple weeks I’ve been watching Pinocchio with them. And I must say, my neutral opinion on the story is no more. I am more than perplexed by that movie.

In fact, I detest the film so much so that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

Allow me to digress.

First of all, did it never occur to the Blue Fairy that there might be a reason Geppetto never married or had children? Because Geppetto is a terrible parent! Who sends a child to school by themselves within 12 hours of their inception into this world? If anyone is responsible for Pinocchio’s bad behavior, it is the adults around him! Nobody properly prepared him to face the tribulations of the world!

Second of all, why on Earth would anyone believe that Jimminy Cricket would be a suitable conscience?  Not only is he a vagrant bum, but he’s also a cad! He’s the cricket version of a dirty, old man. In reality, it’s a bit humorous to me. But I am seriously doubting the Blue Fairy’s judgment all around!

Third of all, we all can agree that Pinocchio is made of wood till the end of the story. How is it anatomically possible then for him to sprout donkey ears and tail made of living flesh? There wouldn’t be any blood circulating to these vital, working appendages. My suspension of disbelief is shattered at this point.

And finally, where did Geppetto think Pinocchio had gone that he found it necessary to acquire a house boat and go looking for him in waters deep enough that he was able to swallowed by a whale? And why did he need to bring his cat and goldfish with him? Geppetto is completely incompetent. I’m also confused by the timeline of the movie. It goes by as though he’s only been away from home two or three days. But Geppetto’s cottage is covered in cobwebs upon his return, and Geppetto acts as if he’s been starving in the whale’s belly for weeks. So which is it? Days or weeks? It’s maddening. Maddening, I tell you!

This whole movie will send me to the looney bin if I have to endure watching it one more time.

In that case, hopefully you’ll see me on Monday. Tootle loo, darlings!